The Complexities of Family Estrangement

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Credit…Shuhua Xiong

To the Editor:

Re “The Joy of Breaking Up With an Abusive Parent,” by Eamon Dolan (Opinion guest essay, March 9):

I am a Catholic deacon and a pediatric registered nurse. I have seen a lot of the pain children endure at the hands of their parents. At times, it’s parents’ ignorance or poor decisions that result in harm to their child. But too often it is willful neglect or active abuse. I am an advocate for the priority of parents over the lives of their children, but there is no hiding the fact that the majority of physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse occurs within the confines of the family.

People have a right to be safe. Children have a right to be safe. Everyone has a right to disassociate themselves with anyone who is causing them harm — physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual.

Mr. Dolan should feel no shame in estranging himself from his abusive mother. She is the reason for their estrangement, not he. Children often feel that they deserve the hurt they suffer, because adults teach them this. It is a rare adult, indeed, who comes to terms with the fact that he or she is not the cause of the hurt they suffered as a child, or as an adult for that matter.

The one who has been hurt can forgive, but that is not the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation requires a great deal of work to regain the trust that was lost. Perhaps Mr. Dolan will someday choose to pray and work toward that, even while he keeps himself safe.

Bob Hunt
Knoxville, Tenn.

To the Editor:

I am dismayed by the guest essay by Eamon Dolan celebrating the breakdown in communication among family members. I personally know three families where this has occurred and have been in touch with the parents and the children involved. In all cases, they experience great regret and remorse. The pain on both sides has been immense.

I certainly have not seen the exhilaration or relief that the author suggests. What I have seen is a breakup of good families over issues that could possibly be resolved with effort, and it is certainly worth it to try.

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