Reflections on Motherhood, Careers and Identity

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Credit…Lindley Warren Mickunas

To the Editor:

Re “What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Motherhood,” by Daniela J. Lamas (Opinion guest essay, Nov. 29):

I had my first baby when I was in law school. I thought my career was the end-all-be-all. I defined the word feminism as the ability to have a high-prestige career.

Then I had a baby, and my idea of feminism became so much larger and nuanced. Being a mother became the biggest privilege in my life. Watching my baby learn about the world and acquire language became the biggest miracle I have ever witnessed.

I feel as though my understanding of feminism now aligns with the experience of being a woman. Having children let me see the complexity. I don’t think that women should be forced to have children because to do it right is frequently a thankless job. It is truly a labor of love.

Having children shouldn’t be a requirement of being a woman. But the potential to have children defines womanhood and results in many decisions and shuts many pathways for women — whether a woman wants or even can have children. The potential of motherhood affects in myriad ways, large and small, every individual who identifies as female.

I will never for a minute regret becoming a mom. Never, not even after losing my youngest child. I revel in motherhood, but this isn’t the identity that should define me for my entire life.

I hope my girls are blessed with motherhood. Still, it is not the identity that should control their professional opportunities and decisions as they enter adulthood.