How Can I Get My Boss to Notice Me?

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The Male Gaze, Averted

You should definitely not let it go. Especially, as you say, because it’s eroding your self-confidence. That’s an enormous red flag and one that you’re not going to be able to ignore, or wish away, without addressing it head-on. I think you’re right in assuming that your boss’s tendency to render you invisible is subconscious, but that doesn’t make it OK. (Multiple times a day!?) Men with the best of intentions and progressive “politics” can also be sexist or behave in sexist ways.

A few questions: What, exactly, is your relationship with the principal of your firm? Have you ever had any “hard” conversations with him in the past? How did he react? This could tell you a lot about how he might respond to a more pointed conversation about your personal feelings within the professional setting he has created.

Also: How many other women work in your company, and at what level? Have you ever had a discussion with one or more of them about feeling invisible in the presence of male colleagues? If not, why? In initiating a discussion with one or more of them, you’ll no doubt learn a lot about what your boss’s interactions with other women are like, and how those interactions are understood and received.

It’s important to phrase and communicate your feelings in a way that puts the focus on just that — your feelings — rather than on his actions. This a fine line to walk, I know, but it’s important because it will help you avoid a situation in which your boss feels attacked or criticized. Try to frame your comments in terms of the discomfort that you feel rather than the egregiousness of what he’s doing. (“In group work settings, I sometimes I feel invisible, especially compared with our male colleagues,” you might say. “I’d like to have a more direct back and forth with you.”) In this sort of formulation, you’re “owning” your feelings rather than making accusations, which can lead to defensiveness or shutting down altogether.

As for when to mention it, well, I’d tack it onto the end of a one-on-one conversation about work that’s already in progress. This allows for the actual “work” aspect of the meeting to be addressed and left uncomplicated by a more difficult discussion. And it gives him some breathing room after the meeting in order to process what you’ve just told him, because he’s going to have to sit with it. No one wants to hear that they’ve hurt someone else’s feelings, and the added gender aspect of it will most likely throw him for a loop, based on what little you’ve said about him. But I hope he’ll take your comments seriously and start to be a little, or a lot, more self-aware about his behavior vis-à-vis you and male colleagues, both in groups and outside of them.