Should We Tell Our Tween Daughter That Her Father Had a Nose Job?

My husband and I grew up in the 1980s, when getting a nose job was not uncommon in our social circles. My husband had one. Our daughter is 12, and she has her father’s original nose. Lately, she’s told us that she doesn’t love her nose and that it’s unlike anyone else’s in the family. My husband wants to tell her about his surgery — with the proviso that he would make a different choice today. But I think he should keep it to himself. I don’t see how sharing this information would help our daughter, and it may harm her. Still, I know this is my husband’s story to tell. Thoughts?

MOTHER

You and your husband are the best arbiters of what to tell your daughter — and when she is ready to hear it. From your letter, though, it’s clear that while your daughter may be a child, she is no fool: She has already figured out that something is going on with noses in your family.

In my experience, the truth comes out eventually: She may discover an old photograph of your husband, or his parents may let it slip. And now that she has raised the issue obliquely, she should probably hear the story from her father. Any other approach risks making her feel that you’ve been dishonest with her when she learns the truth. You don’t have to tell her tomorrow, but plan to tell her soon.

And when you do, try to avoid being judgmental about cosmetic surgery. You and your daughter may have rich and productive conversations for years about nose jobs and, more important, the insecurity that she may feel about her looks. Nothing good will come from shutting down those talks by taking hard-line positions. Try to stay open to your daughter’s feelings. (And remember: She is still several years away from being medically eligible for rhinoplasty — if that’s even where she tries to take the discussion.)

Once a Month, Bracing for a Gross Get-Together

My partner has 12 siblings and complicated family dynamics. When we visit once a month, we stay with one particular brother “to keep the peace,” as my partner puts it. Unfortunately, his brother’s house is filthy: rotting food, unwashed dishes, years of dust, hair and dirt in the bathroom. I can hardly bring myself to touch anything. The family lives in a rural area; the nearest hotel is 30 miles away. My partner and I have had several arguments about staying there, but we haven’t gotten anywhere. He has no problem staying, and he gets upset when I object. I want to attend family events. Do I have to buy a camper van to sleep in?