Fashion
Our Fun Friend Bails on Dinner Dates but Still Sends Her Dull Husband. Help!
Tired of being saddled with “dud” husbands when their more exciting wives bow out of plans, a reader wonders if there’s a way to delicately insist that both members of a couple attend.
In our circle, many couples consist of one partner who is dynamic and interesting and one who is … well, a dud. Usually, it’s the husbands who are dull. When we make plans with these couples, the lively wives often drop out at the last minute because of suspicious work crises or illnesses. When they inform me, they say, “But my husband will still be there.” Or if I’m inviting them to dinner, the wife will say, “I have plans that night, but my husband would love to come.” I feel used. I’m all for giving harried spouses a break from each other, but with one couple, the fun wife has been a no-show three times in two months! It feels risky to invite them. How can we address this problem without hurt feelings?
WIFE
I am not a fan of generalizations by gender: Women are lively; men are duds. They don’t ring true to my experience: Good company comes in all flavors! You also seem to be ignoring the simpler explanation here: If the wives’ excuses are untrue, as you seem to imply, isn’t it more likely that they’re avoiding you and your parties, not their husbands? Unless you seat couples side by side — which is unusual, in my experience — it’s not their husbands they’re avoiding. So, who’s the dullard now?
Still, when you invite a couple to dinner and the wife says, “I’m not free, but my husband would love to come,” it’s perfectly reasonable to shut that down. Respond: “No, let’s wait until you’re both available.” That’s not hurtful. You are simply expressing a preference to see both of them.
On the other hand, if a guest bails repeatedly at the last minute from established dates — but still offers to send her spouse — you have a choice. If the dinner is a cozy foursome, postpone as above. (“Let’s do it when you can both make it.”) But if it’s a larger dinner that will proceed without any one guest, it would be unkind to exclude a husband because of his wife’s sudden unavailability. Still, if an invitee pulled this stunt frequently, I would stop inviting the couple. They are unreliable guests.
Ah, Ah, Ah, Forgot to Say the Magic Word
My daughter got engaged recently. We are thrilled, and I have started to share the news with my closest friends. Most of them congratulated me immediately. But one friend replied to my text by asking where the wedding would be. No congratulations, just the question. When I called him a few days later to tell him I was perturbed by his response, he refused to apologize — even after much discussion. I feel deeply offended and wonder if I still want to be friends with him. Am I being reasonable?
