Can I Confront the Woman Who Stole My Late Sister’s Evening Gowns?

Shortly before my sister died, she told me she wanted me to have her collection of formal dresses. She offered to ship them to me, but I suggested that she leave them in her closet, labeled with my name on them. At her memorial service, I thought it would be insensitive to mention the dresses to her grieving husband. Still, the subject came up: My brother-in-law told me that a friend came to their house two days after my sister died and, despite his protests, pushed her way inside and took the dresses. He refused to tell me who the thief was; he wanted to avoid conflict. But I have discovered her identity. I don’t want the dresses back, but I want to tell her how upsetting her actions were. Am I wrong?

SISTER

The part of your story that seems most illuminating to me — and perhaps explains its odder details — is that you and your brother-in-law are grieving. I am sorry for your loss. But I would wait to call the woman who has your sister’s dresses — partly out of respect for your brother-in-law, who doesn’t want you to contact her, but also because of the nature of grief itself.

I have made and received enough condolence calls to know how strangely they can go. I have left several of them with unwanted books and records and, in one case, a sinfully ugly vase — all of which were pressed on me. Right after my mother died, I urged a visitor I barely knew to take her pearl necklace. I have no idea why! When we are grieving, we aren’t always thinking straight.

Now, the story of the dresses may have unfolded just as your brother-in-law told it: A friend stormed his house and stole them. But that seems unlikely. And since you don’t want the dresses back, I would postpone calling the woman until you and your brother-in-law feel more like yourselves and can discuss whether anything he said might have sounded like an invitation to take them. For now, focus on the real loss here: your sister, not her formal wear.

Standing Up to a Bully, and Her Mother

Two years ago, my daughter (then 9) was bullied by a group of students at school: They called her a loser, refused to let her play with them and shoved things down her pants. It was a nightmare. We got her to another school, and she is now thriving. The problem: My friend’s daughter was one of the bullies. We got through it, but late last year, her daughter resumed the bullying at a dance studio the girls attend. I reported it to the head of the studio and to my friend. My friend stopped speaking to me after telling me her daughter hadn’t initiated the bullying; she was “just chiming in.” I ignore her when I see her. But soon, we will all be traveling to a dance competition that involves shared flights and hotels. How should I approach this mom?