May I Tell My Teenage Children About My Ex-Husband’s Abusive Father?

My ex-husband’s father died before my ex and I met. After we married, his relatives told me that his father had molested two of his granddaughters when they were young children. My ex never told me about this, and I never brought it up. I wanted to spare him the pain, though I always hoped he would confide in me. (We’ve been divorced for two years now.) Recently, two women who married into the family told their teenage daughters about the abuse. They wanted their children to know this family history. I have two teenage children with my ex. Should I tell them about the abuse? It would probably ruin my friendly relationship with my former husband, but I know my kids will hear the story from their cousins.

MOM

I respect your predicament, but I don’t think this is your story to tell. You never met your ex’s father. Better to warn your former husband about what’s coming: Your children are likely to hear this story from their cousins. And even though you never broached the subject during your marriage, raising it now would be the opposite of ruining your relationship with your ex. You would be helping him to co-parent by giving him a heads-up — so that he can speak to the children directly.

Remember: Your ex didn’t do anything wrong here; his father did. And your ex’s silence on this subject during your marriage may have been the result of (undeserved) shame. If you were still married, I would urge you to talk about his feelings with him. But as his ex-wife, stick to the issues that affect your children: They are going to hear this story from someone. Let it be their father.

Now, my answer might be different if your ex’s father were still alive or if he posed a risk to your children. I am also going to assume that, as parents, you and your ex discuss unwanted touching and consent with your children. But your question is about a skeleton in the closet, and your ex is the best person to bring it to light. If he refuses to do so, then it’s up to you. A story this sensitive should come from a parent.

Credit…Miguel Porlan

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